I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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