i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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