just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
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