If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
