Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
