It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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