Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
