Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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