he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
