Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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