New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
