I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Randomize
