You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
