Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
