i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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