roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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