I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
