Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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