i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Bring me that man meat
I am available for nakedness
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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