I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
