as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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