a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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