i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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