Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
