The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
