there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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