Define "chronic" masturbator.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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