mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
