i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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