He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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