if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
