And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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