I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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