I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
handjob tips. give me some.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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