Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
