I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
