Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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