getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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