As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
