just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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