so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
