I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
