we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
