I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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