drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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