I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
