Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
