my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i will never coherently bang her
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
