Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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