where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
