My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
well, you know. whores of a feather.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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