i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
soo... how was my night?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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