I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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