I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
