My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
